Certifiable, alright

Trying to give The Duchess money, I needed her social security number.

This is something most Americans rattle off at the top of their heads.

She started naming numbers, I started writing, yet stopped.

‘MA! Ya just have me 28 numbers and a social security number is only 9.’

‘Give me a minute.’

::seasons pass::

‘MA! Dontcha have your card in your billfold?’

Out we go, like ducks, waddle-waddle.

Passing Spike, ‘Da, I’m giving you my entire inheritance to have me cremated if Ma can’t come up with her SS#.’

‘What if I don’t want to pay for you to be cremated?’

‘That’s why I’m giving you the money.’

‘But what if I don’t want to spend the money ‘

‘MA! What are you doing?’

‘I can’t get these cards out.’

‘MA! That Sally’s card’s from the 80s. I don’t think it’s gonna work.’

‘Pitch it,’ she continues to paw.

‘MA! This library card’s too old, you need to get a new one.’

‘Let me have that.’

‘MA! That check-cashing card’s for a grocer that no longer exists. Hang on, this one’s still g–‘

‘HERE!’

‘MA!! That’s your Eastern Star card.’

‘Oh.’

‘MA!! This voter ID card is TYPED, like from a TYPEWRITER and I mean the old-fashioned kind, not even electric.’

‘Is it still good?’

‘MA!!!!! It’s from 1872. No, it’s not ‘still good.’ It’s not even for where you vote.’

‘Pitch it.’

‘MA! What’s–give me THAT.’

‘This slip?’

‘Yeah, it’s just a slip of paper but it has your SS# scrawled on it.’

‘Well, there you are, then.’

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warning: I revoke previous support of FitStar app

My app no longer saves sessions and since it won’t save a session, several things DON’T happen:

  • the next session never starts, you’re in first-session-infinity-hell
  • the point of a programme is the sessions build and progress, $30 for one session is dear for an APP
  • you don’t get credit for doing the session
  • linked accounts read nil - MyFitnessPal, Fitbit or many others will not show any workouts  because FitStar says you’re on session #1 and by the way, never finish it
  • Feedback? We don’t need no stinking feedback.

I emailed FitStar support to report a bug because this was not a previous issue. Their response: ‘Contact Apple.’

When you contact customer service or a dev about trouble (I thought was just a bug and wasn’t overly excited, new ios, new issues, blahblahblah) and they have zero interest in owning the issue, let alone helping you? In fact, they blamed me for not being on wifi.

Bullshit, you lying sacks of sons of bitches.

I have never had wifi at home and I have only used the app at home yet MAGICALLY it has other sessions recorded? How could that be??? It used to work just dandy and now doesn’t, no matter what they say. I guess whoever I reported a bug to was the guy responsible for screwing up the compatibility? Is he trying to cover his arse by telling people to just go away?

I replied but they said that their app worked fine and they had no way to doing technical support, if it didn’t work for me, contact iTunes. I got pissy in my reply and requested a refund. They replied that’s done through Apple, too. I wouldn’t know from having hundreds of apps since 2007 and never needing to request a refund, least of all because a developer refuses to acknowledge an issue.

If these assholes wanted to change the app so that it wouldn’t support LTE or 4G, then fine. If so, how about saying, ‘Yeah, you got us. We’re no longer supporting cellular data .’ Don’t say it was always that way! Matter of fact, why is there a setting within the app to turn on ‘use cellular data’ if that’s impossible and always has been? HRM!

Don’t express ZERO interest in improving your app. They didn’t ask what build I was on. Apple did. It’s the latest. The one FitStar screwed up: 2.5.2, build number 556.

I have contacted devs before and they’re always KEENLY interested in what caused the issue. They want to know what your version is, build number, etc. FitStar? ‘Call Big Daddy at Apple, we don’t handle tech issues.’

Big Daddy Apple said they do not handle 3rd-party tech issues. There are literally thousands of apps and they could not possible do that. That’s the devs’ jobs to deal with their own apps. Big Daddy Apple is going to refund my money, though. Thanks, Big Daddy Apple.

Summary: DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO FITSTAR!

 

 

Did I ever tell ya about the time I taught the racist militia leader’s son to read tarot?

I don’t read tarot ‘anymore,’ meaning I’m happy to throw down some papers for ya but I’m very much out of practise and it’s all about practise. Screw talent.

Except for what I’m getting ready to tell you about.

'Call me now!'

‘Call me now!’

Some years ago, I was in the habit of regularly casting runes -I’m so not kidding  or reading tarot for people each and everyday. I’m of the mind you should always be compensated for your work but I didn’t consider it work, so I never went that route.  At any given point, I had some kind of easy divination tool on me and if’n I didn’t, I’m sure a nearby book or let’s face it, me putting you into alpha and reading your aura might do.

-are the new readers gone yet? How about the regulars?

Let’s back up a tic. I’m one-half Irish and one-half Russian-Jewess. This tells you everything you need to know about me by stereotype, alone. I’m also American, so sorry, but at least I was raised by a quasi-Canadian who grew up a couple of miles from Canada, in the UP. You get that or you don’t.

Back to my superstitions.

I was pished one holiday and my auntie Colleen -real name  had yet again invited over her idea of what man I should marry. My mother The Duchess agreed because his property was over 2,000 acres and he owned a small plane that he also knew how to fly. Never mind that he was the leader of a militia group who happened to be anti-Semitic, anti-black, anti-Italian and whatever else you could come up with, I’m fair-certain. Those bitches is armed, yo.

Where was I?

He brought his 9yo son from a previous marriage, ‘She was a slut.’

I don’t recall why I brought out the tarot. Perhaps it was because I wanted to scare them off. Perhaps somebody asked. -as they often did  Perhaps Mr. Bigot, Esq., heard that I read and thought to make sport of me. I whipped out a deck. -tarot readers usually have several and learn that certain decks work best with certain types of queries or maybe with certain readers’ moods. Or they have one. Or they create their own as they level-up as members of the Golden Dawn. Whatever.

Runes pretty much state what they have to give and say ‘feck off.’

I pulled out my daily deck and by daily I mean, my go-to, very general, no particular feelings on which way to lead kind of deck.

To my surprise and near horror… Bigot’s Kid had the Sight. Granted, he was pre-pubescent and gods-almighty, he needed all help from hands seen and unseen in this life to which he’d been born but nevertheless, his aptitude was a bit spooky. I was truly afraid for what I saw coming off of him and out of him, was Truth and there was his father, Sauron. I kept trying to dissuade the lad from reading and tried to bring others into our activity, whilst sneaking glances at the Evil One and trying to suss if the boy was in danger from this but his father remained blissfully ignorant. To him, it was a game.

Thank the gods for small favours. The boy is now a man. I hope he grew up listening more to the voices in his head than from his father’s lips.

‘That all-natural shite’ll kill you’

I was getting ready to cook some chicken sausage (yes, chicken) when I thought about it again.

‘How long has that been open in my fridge?’

I reckoned 14 days. ‘Bah, it’s grand. It’s spiced.’

Then I had a funny feeling.

Hillbillies abhor: waste and wasterels. -them-that’s shiftless…I’d not have explained this word but spell/grammar check gave me the ‘WTF is that?’ thing. Surely you Flatlanders know wasterel, right? Is this another of my archaic-elsewhere terms? Whatever. The world is such a disappointment. . We’re also well respectful of the sight or signs.

-are the new readers gone yet?

I sniffed it. Smelt grand. Then as I went to grab some to pop on the heat, it slipped. That was that. You can only ignore instincts and warnings so much before the Good Folk give up. BobbyDogReed got sausage for supper. All of it!

Now I’m left with some week-old boiled cauliflower.

You go telling this about and people think you’re barmy. I am BUT my superstitious arse ain’t puking. Thanks!

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