Heart, Gram

Gram and my cousin once removed

Gram and my cousin once removed

Gram had a pacemaker for over 5 years and then had it removed.

When I was little (before the pacemaker), I mean a TODDLER, she trained me to NEVER take them but how to put nitroglycerin under her tongue when she couldn’t respond to me.

‘If Gram can’t wake up, put 1 of these under her tongue. If it doesn’t work right away, put another one.’ She spoke of herself in third person most of the time. ‘Grandma loves you.’

I also knew how to dial the phone as a toddler (rotary) and my numbers, so there were taped phone numbers on the phone by her bed (which she had installed so I could reach it!).

My mammy’s bday is 15 May and while normally I think of her often and many things remind me of her, I become hyper-sensitive around this time every year, hence the old photos. I sat down for a few minutes and flipped through an album.

I can still feel her saliva on my finger tips, it’s that kind of sensory detail from 40 years ago. I don’t think you get over losing your mammy (she passed 15 years ago), exactly. -if you had shitty parents and one person stood out to try to protect you, I think it’s normal to cling to her. I’m not alone, that’s for sure.

 

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6 thoughts on “Heart, Gram

  1. Again, hold onto all your good childhood memories….especially of someone so important to you.

    Oh, and my dad used to put some sort of tablet under his tongue when he felt like passing out….I never asked questions ‘cos kids didn’t ask….maybe it was the same stuff.

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  2. I agree with GOF on holding onto those good memories.
    In 2012 I had a little trip to hospital by ambulance and they gave me a nitro pill under the tongue – really disgustingly nasty taste!!

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  3. Yes, anything positive I try to hold on to! I have the curse that I remember more negatives than positives. Supposed to be because my parents were divorced as a baby and, well, my family is no walk in the park either! :/

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    • Ya know, I have a minor in psych (which means NOTHING) and one of the things I do recall was that is normal. We always recall the criticism but rarely the praise — or we may remember but put less weight on it. Same thing with negative-positive other stuff.

      Knowing it’s real AND is normal is helpful.

      I was just talking to my broker (sounds impressive but he rings about twice a year to see if I’ve been sacked yet–HAR!). I was saying something like, it has gone down the last 4 months.’ He was like, ‘hang on…’ Hear furious clicking as he’s calling up my portfolio and he said. ‘You are at an all-time watermark.’

      I said, ‘erm, what does that mean?’ Cos you know, I’m dense.

      He said it’s the most money my IRA has ever held. I was like WOT?!?! Cos I saw the negative numbers keep coming.

      What I hadn’t even ALLOWED In my brain was my last statement erased all those losses.

      How could I NOT have seen that?

      The stupid human brain!

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