Certifiable, alright

Trying to give The Duchess money, I needed her social security number.

This is something most Americans rattle off at the top of their heads.

She started naming numbers, I started writing, yet stopped.

‘MA! Ya just have me 28 numbers and a social security number is only 9.’

‘Give me a minute.’

::seasons pass::

‘MA! Dontcha have your card in your billfold?’

Out we go, like ducks, waddle-waddle.

Passing Spike, ‘Da, I’m giving you my entire inheritance to have me cremated if Ma can’t come up with her SS#.’

‘What if I don’t want to pay for you to be cremated?’

‘That’s why I’m giving you the money.’

‘But what if I don’t want to spend the money ‘

‘MA! What are you doing?’

‘I can’t get these cards out.’

‘MA! That Sally’s card’s from the 80s. I don’t think it’s gonna work.’

‘Pitch it,’ she continues to paw.

‘MA! This library card’s too old, you need to get a new one.’

‘Let me have that.’

‘MA! That check-cashing card’s for a grocer that no longer exists. Hang on, this one’s still g–‘


‘MA!! That’s your Eastern Star card.’


‘MA!! This voter ID card is TYPED, like from a TYPEWRITER and I mean the old-fashioned kind, not even electric.’

‘Is it still good?’

‘MA!!!!! It’s from 1872. No, it’s not ‘still good.’ It’s not even for where you vote.’

‘Pitch it.’

‘MA! What’s–give me THAT.’

‘This slip?’

‘Yeah, it’s just a slip of paper but it has your SS# scrawled on it.’

‘Well, there you are, then.’



7 thoughts on “Certifiable, alright

    • I think by age 18 I knew mine (3 years on my own). We have to give it for EVERYTHING! Then they say, ‘be careful of who you give it.’ Like we have a choice!


  1. aubrey says:

    I think I was given my SS# when I was in high school: is that even allowed? The whole procedure frightened me; it seemed like one more step into the slough of adulthood.


    • Mine was assigned at birth but Brother’s was done at the same time and he was 8 years my elder. I’m not sure what they do now.

      I ‘always’ had one:)


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