homemade Nutella-ish, looks like baby poo, tastes markedly better


I used almonds (Nutella uses hazelnuts). Of all the nuts I have on hand, -English Walnuts, some call ‘walnuts’ but don’t try that shite with a Hillbilly, there are English and Black, pecans, hickory, and yours truly almonds sounded the best when I ‘tasted’ them, roasted, in my mind.

Next! I had the oven warming to make a frittata–this is the best time to oven-roast nuts as it’s fired up anyway and you don’t need to roast nuts long.

I popped 1C into a cast iron pan and stuck it in. My oven happened to be at 400F but higher is better for roasting (of course you can do this in a skillet but you get a lower quality product that way with whole nuts. Had I been using ground nuts, I’d still have used the oven since it was on but otherwise, I’d have used a skillet on the stovetop. The reason is even heat distribution. Ground means more nut surface is in contact with the heat source. With whole on stovetop, even if you manage to not scorch where they touch, the whole nut isn’t ‘roasted.’ I’m just warning you, do as you please but what I just shared is my Hillbilly Wisdom and that’s worth a bundle, Flatlanders!

-are the new readers gone yet?

Roast them bitches. When you start smelling them (in a good way, hopefully you didn’t walk off to watch Ferguson burn. Since I don’t use the tv, this wasn’t a problem), use a spatula (I used a tablespoon cos it was already in my hand) and flip ’em around a bit. The darker ones are roasted. I don’t leave them in much longer passed this point. Never use scorched nuts. if yours scorched, sorry. Guess feed to the birds?

I could tell you why but this is running way too long for a 3 ingredient recipe!

When cool, place in food processor with erm…maybe a teaspoon of sea salt. Or none. Or table salt. I don’t care what y’uns do.

Process on almost max. My food processor is almost as old as I am and boy, do I hope I look better for my age!

I processed 1 minute at a time. After 2 minutes, my machine was getting hot. I took that tablespoon -handy devices for thumping errant kids or poking at food…or thumping errant food or poking at kids and sort of scraped the sides down and in. Mine was really still in the ground but stage but getting ready to begin hitting the butter stage.

I went and scrubbed something clean for a few minutes (can’t recall what, just let your machine cool if it gets hot before continuing). I ended up doing 2 more 1 minute rounds, with a scrape inwards between.

Add chocolate chips or chunks. This is why it’s so easy. I used Enjoy Life brand (for common food allergies and issues) but I seriously don’t care. Use a higher quality product (less to no wax/ shelf-safe ingredients) for smoother end result. Use lower quality for cost savings after dumping a cup of nuts into the processor.

Process together 1 minute. Et voila!


Store in fridge if you don’t plan on consuming within a week or so. Or if you like it to harden up some.


nutty crusty goodness

I made my first nut crust many years ago,

before learning that I’d been born Celiac!

The reason I didn’t typically use them is because nuts are pound for pound, exorbitantly expensive compared to a little flour. Now that I can’t eat flour (and most ‘substitutes’ like tapioca/ manioc, sorghum, rice, corn, bean tear up my gut, too — I can eat them but only a bit), it’s hard to say no to a nut crust!

They’re dead-easy, just as pie crust is but even easier!

Depending upon pan or how high up the sides you want to go, start with 2C nuts (I was making an apple pie, so I chose walnuts BUT I’d only ever made nut crusts with pecans — walnuts are AWESOME!). Melt 2T coconut oil or whatever fat you use (I’ve also used Earth Balance and it’s lovely — perhaps not healthy but ya know, it’s a pie!) and 2T maple syrup (not fake). Technically, you can use golden syrup or whatever — including sugar crystals that you dissolve in melted oleo. I like maple syrup (100% non-weird and organic).

Smoosh it together in the pan and place in 400F oven (that was pre-heated) til the nuts begin to toast/ ‘become aromatic.’ Do not burn! Burning fat is very unhealthy.

You can then add whatever filling you like and/ or topping. This will also toast on top, if desired.

Mixed Nut and Date bars

These are dangerous! I’ve never purchased or eaten a Larabar but I’ve read a lot of people like them. I looked at a couple in the store a few years ago: they were too high in fat and sugar! I simply don’t “need” that, especially for their price! I did notice the ingredients: they’re very simple (which is, I suppose, the point of being “natural”)!

I was digging around the pantry for what to make, what to make, when I remembered that I had a ton of dates from Christmas. I didn’t want to start experimenting with gluten-free stuff this weekend (since that’s my only option now). It struck me: how easy to food process some dates and nuts together for snack bars this week?

…I had to make a second batch I shared with taste testers but truth be told: I ate 7 out of 8 servings in 12 hours. They’re gluten-free and raw (but for the carob chips, which can be left out); while natural, they’re full of natural sugary-fatty flavor. Dried fruit (sugar) and nuts (fat) always are. I already had 2 more today.

Mixed Nut & Date Bars:

  • 140g mixed nuts
  • 100g dates
  • 40g carob chips
  • 25g coconut shreds
  • 50g GF oats; do this last, as it’s about binding a moist mixture…you may need little or more, depending on how moist your dates and nuts become after processing

140g mixed raw nuts

100g dates

40g coconut

25g carob chips

dumped on waxed paper

Start with the nuts; I used raw, unsalted, deluxe mixed nuts. Food process for at least 2 minutes on high level (“emulsify and chop” mode). You want it to become very mushy.

Add dates, coconut shreds and carob chips (or whatever you choose). Process about 30 seconds at same setting.



Begin adding the GF oats (not pictured)–I dumped mine at once but this resulted in taking a long, long time to thoroughly “mix” til it begins clumping into big hunks, the bigger the better. The point is making one giant hunk!

Drop onto waxed paper and fold into a rectangular (or whatever) shape. Smoosh til it becomes a soft brick of Tasty Goodness. Refrigerate several hours, overnight is great but 4-6 hours is okay. Cut into at least 8 pieces to follow nutritional info below. Try smaller bits if you’d prefer to cut calories. These are so.good!

per myfitnesspal recipe builder