homemade pumpkin spice coffee (paleo, too!)

DGAF ’bout Haters. I work in a high security gulag with rapists and murderers literally surrounding me and walk alone amongst them — try hundreds when it’s their yard time — me and them all cosy-like.

Saying mean things to me about my taste preferences never bothered me before -thanks, bad parents! but now?  TRY HARDER, MOTHERFUCKERS!

-are the new readers gone yet?

I recently got the Pumpkin Pie seasoning from my new fav spice maker and it’s lovely. I wanted to see how badly I could eff it up but turns out, it’s pretty damned good.

 

health risks and me…and the fire fighters and the police

I googled Risk Assessment Saves and the first thing that came up was this. I’m using it cos I love you all so much that I would take my only begotten google result and sacrifice it for you.

-are the new readers gone yet?

Right. Reno, Nevada wanted to save money. Who doesn’t? I love me some cheap bastards as a cheap bastard myself. They have to pay salaries but also health care costs to the city’s employees, such as fire fighters and police. Not only do they have to pay for them but like those dudes (female or male ‘dudes’) need to have some level of health, right? I mean, they need to protect me by carrying me out of buildings or taking bullets.

-I don’t have a lot of positive police experiences but once, the Police Chief of Webster Groves stood between me and a speeding car to stop it. As he took the Superman Stance, he said, ‘He BETTER stop.’ The car stopped. I pissed myself a little but thanked him and trembled the next hour or so.

Research is Great but Practical application — and continuing to follow up comparing different applications may show unexpected results!*

They use their fire fighters and police as guinea pigs to determine health risk and they gave some X and some Y and guess what? It was one great big old science experiment!

The fantastic thing to me is JUST TAKING THE TEST saved the city $25,000,000. Wow. The documentary is great for explaining basic stuff we need to know about risks that are tossed out at us all the time but we may not know what they heck people are saying! **

* Everybody in my family has CAD and CVD, therefore on heart/ cholesterol lowering meds. I was diagnosed with it in my early teens. I was very muscular and not fat. I grew up on a working farm. At this same age, I was slinging 70lb bales of hay. Even with these facts, the diagnosis wasn’t a surprise given my genetics — especially considering I have autoimmune disorders.

I like to follow a lot of what Robb Wolf talks about for many reasons but his personal reasons (‘his story’) at the beginning of this video is like the Intelligent Version of my story. Kinda.

I stuck to a vegetarian diet for almost 17 years because the US pushes ‘high fibre, low fat, little to no red meat’ as the cure/ response for my family’s health issues. I already ran about 3 miles a few days a week since age 12.

I used 3, 5, 8, 10, and 12lb weights (depending on the move) a few days a week for ‘toning’ from age 18 and in 2009 began lifting to failure (heavier things). From age 15-18, I didn’t do much more than carry textbooks cos I’d moved away from the ranch!

My blood panels grew worse with each passing year. About 3 years ago, my GP looked over my blood panels and shook her head. The day that she and all the other doctors before her had warned me about had Come. She pulled out a prescription pad to order statins. 😦  I watched her pen moving, ‘Isn’t there any other way?’

She stopped. ‘Nobody wants to do it.’

.

.

.

She put me on AIP. In today’s BRANDING terms, strict Paleo, though she didn’t call it that and I only learned they were in the same family several months later via l’Internet.

Eight weeks after, at the follow-up, I wanted to see improvement but feared I was going to be rushed to hospital for bypass surgery cos I was eating the crap out of meat and fat!

Mind you: I wanted to stay off meds, not droppimg dead of heart problems or stroke sounded awfully good, too. That was my goal.

I went from 400+ total cholesterol to under 200. I also had higher than normal good cholesterol and almost no bad cholesterol. My triglycerides were far below normal. Yeah. The bad stuff was lower than normal instead of way the heck above!

Everybody wants to sell you something in a bottle, whether it’s prescribed or has ‘Better Life’ in charming colours in the freezer section at the grocery.

Paleo isn’t a product to sell. Eat whole foods. It sounds pretty but I have lived it. I still can’t believe how well it works. Each year when I get my blood panels checked? I hold my breath to see if the time bomb exploded inside me. Three years in, I’m still golden.

 

**The documentary is worth watching for education. These videos are from the group in the documentary talking to a leading Paleo author. Sure, he’d love to sell books but seriously, anything you want to know is free online.

 

Yum! Calves Liver, asparagus and tomatoes

Went out to stalk asparagus in fencerows as it hasn’t really been turned on yet in the patch. Found NADA but guess where I cut a mess?

The patch. Gardening is always a surprise, often enough shitty ones! -#1niece’s peach tree is yet again under attack. The poor thing got old enough to bear and we got an invasive species of insect from god-knows-where. I’ve tried every Hillbilly method and online organic BS remedy available. No. Last year I read an article from a regional university’s botany department that claimed the only way to kill them was to a) destroy your own trees from which they feed or b) allow them to kill them all. That way, they’ll move on or starve. Super! I can’t really kill it as it’s HERS and thus far the only nieces-3 tree which has survived. Meh.

I steamed the asper-grass -as I like to call it with these grape tomatoes and fried calves liver.* It was all amazing. The Duchess said, ‘you’ve somehow turned out an excellent cook.’

That’s baiting for, ‘when you’ve been cooking for almost 4 decades…let alone running the household since age 8?’

I am an excellent cook but my food is usually ugly. -but delicious

Fried in coconut oil and dredged in coconut flour. It did not taste ‘coconutty.’ I don’t soak liver as most people do, as a rule, but today I did in lemon juice, cracked black pepper and dehydrated onions. I KNOW! Look, sometime gut doesn’t tolerate onions and I’ve found for the flavour, dehydrated seems to not hurt me! Yay! I liked this combo so much, I may keep it for a while.

2 pounds of cranberries: booze, muffins & compote

I’m not sure what I was thinking other than, ‘Three dollars for 2 pounds of cranberrries? Get in my TROLLEY!’

Two pounds of cranberries is about 4 times the normal bag of cranberries people buy for a nuclear family dinner. If you’re serving 30 or more people (like we always did), sure, you need more.

I didn’t buy it to serve at a dinner. I bought it to experiment!

First, I tried a sort of compote — or what I’d call the cooked fruit and nut stuff that looks like it ought to be inside a pie but people often eat with breakfast, often atop pancakes or crepes. While I was making it, I thought about making a sort of paleo pie-crust topping for it, just to see if that worked, like a sweet pot pie, almost. Mmmmmnah. I ended up stirring the topping into the bottom and liked it much better. The only difference between what would’ve been quite normal as to this mess (which is delicious but ugly; a common theme in my cooking) is a LOT of fat, since I’d attempted it as a crust / top. Also, the pieces of walnut were rather smooth instead of obviously ‘gibbled’ as Gram said.

Second, I was going to infuse some mandarin vodka with cranberries but at the last moment, decided to try something Different. I hurry-up-quick made a simple syrup (thin, 1:1) and tossed them in to blanch. I didn’t want to cook them (pop, like in cranberry sauce), just hit ’em with the heat and prep them for melding with the syrup and booze. I transferred them to the Hillbilly equivalent to fancy glassware (a quart canning jar) and poured the vodka over.

My guess for use?

• atop ice cream, hello?
• inside chocolate (using mini-cupcake or candy moulds, pour some melted chocolate, then fill, then top with melted chocolate
• mix with some Sprite / 7 Up / Fresca and drink, heck, maybe coke with lime?

Any ideas? I reckon it should marry 1-2 weeks, since heat was used on the fruit.

 

Third, muffins! These, like all else, are grain free, dairy free, full fat and sweetened with maple syrup or honey. It’s a fairly standard muffin, ya know, factoring in the above, and then I put 7 cranberries on top (there was at least 2C of cranberries processed within) and a little ground pecans with honey, coconut oil and cinnamon sprinkled on top. The cranberries burst and melted in with the heat.

#paleo #gf Delicious Cookie/ Biscuit ‘base’

I made these this weekend, only one batch -I never make a single batch!  cos I didn’t feel great.

I used store bought –boughten, as we say in the Ozarks orange marmalade, lemon curd and strawberry preserves but made date filling. I almost made fig filling, too, but I was getting tired. -again, just wanted to curl up in a crampy ball instead of doing anything

-are the new readers gone yet?

Mix wet with wet, dry with dry and incorporate, like any recipe. Bake at 375F / 190C for about 30 minutes or just starting to brown.

You can see the single serving nutritional data at bottom. This makes 32 cookies. I used a tablespoon to pick some up batter and roll into a ball then smoosh with my hands in either a Tom Thumb style for filling or flat for not-filled.

Oh! And I decided at the last second to toss in crushed pecans for the flat biscuits. It came away with a Pecan Sandie-like flavour but not  texture. -so don’t come crying to me that it wasn’t crumbly enough!

Paleo drinking

It is one week before my BIRTHDAY! Great timing on this ‘how to drink’ chart. Like I need one. -HAR!

Before you get your pants in a twist, the article states:

Drinking alcohol is not paleo, it’s true, but it is a part of many people’s lives. Read the whole article for Smart Drinking but I’ll include this infographic. It’s fun!

-I cannot drink tequila as I’m deathly allergic to agave. That never was a big issue in the Midwest (agave isn’t indigenous here) til agave nectar started being used. Of course, I rarely partake in processed foods but it’s definitely in tequila. None for me! Don’t cry for me, I can still suck down some Newton’s Folly, Strongbow, Crispin’s, Woodchuck…I’ll stop there but I love cidre! 

It’s [Get] Hammered-Time!

recipe: Pumpkin Spice Doughnuts (Paleo/ gluten free)

copyrighted, like I care, I’m directing you to their site

Normally, ‘fake’ versions of real foods don’t work so well in taste/ texture.

It’s better to just eat real food but between ‘pumpkin,’ ‘spice’ and ‘doughnut,’ I may have to try these!

I don’t have their cutesy ‘maker’ but baking is fine — and I *do* have that mini-loaf thing. I don’t mind what shape it’s in if it’s tasty! I don’t think that I have arrowroot flour but I’m willing to try some others.

 

Stuffed Frenched Pork Chops

 

 

I got some ‘frenched‘ pork chops at Trader Joe’s the last time I was there.

It’s like a 120 mile trip, so I try to get there about once a month but if I’m anywhere ‘near’ (as in horseshoes or hand grenades), I make an effort!

Unfortunately, the brilliant colors the ingredients once held all turn rather brown once cooked but boy, was it pretty at first!

I took the inch-thick chops and sort of sliced them open like a pita.

I baked the sweet potatoes (also from TJs, they were TINY, which I loved as they cooked in like 25 minutes!) and allowed them to cool before de-jacketing them.

In a skillet, I put some EVOO (usually use coconut oil to cook with but felt I wanted the EVOO flavor, so I made sure to cook this over LOW heat) in the pan and tossed in pearl onions (left whole to pick out later, for my belly — I’ve been trying to get flavor without forcing my body to try to digest stuff it cannot). I put the chard (rainbow, also from TJs!) in and shredded cabbage and then sliced up two, small, peeled gala apples. I salted it some with sea salt and ground some black pepper, added about 3/4t ground cloves and an equal amount of ground cinnamon. I believe that’s all…

I was working with the idea of sweet potato and apple with pork, then offsetting the sweetness with chard and cabbage. I tasted it and it was a bit too bitter (than what I wanted; I love bitter!), so I added a tad more salt (probably 3/4t total, which is not a lot!) and some cherries!

It tastes just about perfect, although had I realized how freaking awesome the cherries were going to taste, I’d have put in more!

This made 4 servings for me — you may be keeping track with all that veg? It cooks down. Plus, the remainder of ‘stuffing’ is in another container; the photo only shows the bit that I stuffed before cooling the chops in the skillet after a quick rinse! I’m going to say it’s probably 6C of cooked veg, total.

hypersalinity: kraut, day…what was it?

Seriously, this is the coolest blog EVER! Let me blather on about rotting cabbage, will ya! (it’s not rotting…)

Previous editions:

Oh, for Kraut’s Sake

Cooking up Plans: from Kraut to CO

 

I’ve mentioned the extra saltiness of my brine. This may seem like an oxymoron but assure you, there’s only one of those here. Well, half! Ha! I’m so droll.

I tested the kraut and it’s still salty but it was time to add water, so I hoped that would be the solution to my solution! Again, I just can’t help myself. Do you see how annoying this would be in person?

Right!

I tasted it and it was a) finally starting to taste sauer and b) less salty but I worried it was still too much. I had Dad try it. He disagreed wholeheartedly: it is not too salty.

Then, I remembered: I tend to under salt things and Dad tends to over salt things, so we’re probably in the perfect place (as brine is meant to be ‘salty’ — that’s its definition). I know that I should take photos but it’s such a mess, digging around, that I can’t be bothered. It should be done by next weekend, maybe earlier!

I’m baking cookies today (don’t tell) and the kitchen-river has returned. Our house doesn’t exactly flood…it’s when the rain comes so hard that it enters through the door. We have sump pump and drainage tiling around the house. It’s just my kitchen (where I have a drain because this happens). It’s still a bit ridiculous. Bobby thinks it’s bullshit.

Oh, for Kraut’s Sake!

I grew up making sauerkraut (along with everything else). Regular readers can’t be disappointed: I grew up on a working ranch where we raised or hunted everything we ate. It has easily been since the mid-80s since I’ve made it! What I mostly recall is endless bowls of chopped cabbage and sneaking the plate off the crock, checking how the sauerkraut progressed.

I don’t remember anything helpful.

(Speaking of helpful, one of the great things about homemade sauerkraut is it’s FABULOUSLY healing due to probiotics for people with gut issues — it’s also FABULOUSLY healing for normals! Best of all, it’s delicious. You can also buy something like Flanagans. Remember, if it’s tinned, the probiotics are dead. Here’s what Flanagans parent company lists as health benefits of raw sauerkraut like theirs or your homemade kraut!)

Crock salvaged from barn

First, I had to find a crock. Mum uses the 2 gallon crock as her utensil holder. I think the 1 gallon stores salt someplace. I believe the 5 gallon was broken — used as a planter and the 3 gallon’s gone missing (probably borrowed by the Hoods, real name, who are much like Pa Kettle when it comes to borrowing*). I had to settle for the 4 gallon, which was sitting in one of the barns. I washed it with a hose and dish soap outside first. Obviously.

Crock rewashed inside

Then, I took it inside for more washingses. I let it drain upside down whilst chopping over 4lb of cabbage. I’m not good with knives, so that meant 90 minutes of chopping (I passed the time by listening to old Star Talk podcasts).

As I’d forgotten, I asked mum what the ratio was for sauerkraut and salt. ‘1lb salt for 40lb cabbage.’

Crock with layers of salt and cabbage

Right. I had 4lb cabbage, so I ciphered (always a shaky premise) that was 1/10 of 40, therefore I needed 1/10 of a lb of salt. I used Celtic Sea Salt because it’s what I have. Growing up, I’d have used kosher salt. As I’d drop another layer of cabbage shreds, I’d scatter a table spoon of salt, mix and sort of tamp down.

Bobby regularly got up to look at what I was doing, without getting too close. This 4 gallon crock is about half my height! It was hard to wrangle empty but as I filled it, I barely managed to place it in its resting spot.

topped with cabbage leaves

plated sauerkraut crock

I topped it was we did when I was a kid (with cabbage leaves and a plate — more on that later). And finally, a tea towel because bugs will get interested.

Crock topped with tea towel

A few hours later, I went to go check it. Here’s the ‘later.’ All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, could hardly get that mfing plate back off it again!

O.M.G. My plates as an adult are a different style and size than those used as a kid. I finally got it off and NO I don’t have other plates to use. I have dessert plates, which are way too small, but I only have one set of ‘china’ (a ‘cafe’ style set of 12 pieces or so that cost about $20, about 20 years ago).

Out came the google. It seems a lot of folks use a water-filled baggie, of course, they’re using MASON jars en lieu de crock. I had a big-arsed baggie, so I’m trying that. It has totally effed with my program and now I’m verklempt about the whole fakakta mess.

At any rate, it’s very close to how I grew up making it with most of the memories gone and too large of a plate. Oh, and of course the amount of cabbage is 1/10 what I’d have gone as a kid!

EDIT: I forgot to mention, in addition to all the pickled items we made (we pickled almost anything, much like frying…think pig’s feet, eggs, okra, etc.), we also made ‘Salty Brine Pickles.‘ I realize saying ‘salty brine’ is redundant. You’re getting a Family Heirloom Stupid Name. Those were also raw/fermented/full of probiotics.

 

* I didn’t test it for Rick-rolling but it began with the full length film ‘Ma and Pa Kettle,’ which was made in the 40s but was day-to-day life similar to my life, if I were Ma…only my kids were the adults and whoever was there.

Cholesterol, a Love Story

Carla asked if my cholesterol improved after being diagnosed Celiac. As usual, I can’t tell a short story and it’s not even well-told.

My Cholesterol’s Character Arc

Short answer: No.

Medium answer: I fixed it before Celiac diagnosis.

Long answer: Since a KID, doctors said:  You inherited this and you’re screwed. I had high cholesterol and triglycerides.

I flung myself into a vegetarian lifestyle, eating meat once a month, around my period when I’d crave tacos or chili. I wouldn’t eat turkey at Thanksgiving so I could have dressing! I adhered to the prescription of low fat, whole grains, vegetarian as best model for lowering cholesterol and cardio health. BEFORE that, I was ‘quasi-vegetarian.’ I’d skip meat so I could have vodka — that was about calories cos I was young and dumb 🙂

My cholesterol grew worse over those 20 years. Doctors repeated their BS about whole grains, low fat… I’d show them my food journals (tracked most of the time since 1985). They’d shrug. With everybody in my family on cholesterol lowering or BP meds, I’d have to get on them SOME day. Then, that day came.

With nowhere else to go, I tried something crazy, based on what I’d seen lifters doing:

eat animal protein — lots of it —  healthy fats and remove processed foods (which excised a LOT of grains!).

In less than six months of eating ~1g animal protein per lb of body weight, increasing fat intake (avocados and EVOO) but mostly binning the low fat Wheat Thins and 17 grain breads…

I had blood panels for which people would kill. My doctor was GIDDY.

Let me digress: I was 98% on program  during this period because I knew what was waiting at the GPs: meds. It’s a strong incentive!

She said most people aren’t willing to do what I’d done for health. I proved that I would. I’m going to be honest: those first three weeks of meat-eating after non-meat eating was ROUGH. My body didn’t know what the hell to do with it!

My GPs next move was to tweak my autoimmune. My first food challenge was wheat.

After the Celiac diagnosis, my gut healed and I packed on a layer of blubber that I still haven’t shifted. I was deeply worried (just KNEW that I’d ruined my ‘fixed cholesterol’). To my RELIEF, my blood panels are still great!

Then, mum had her latest big hospitalization where they found she had to get quadruple bypass and that sent me into another tizzy about heart health. I had a full work up. Turns out, mine’s fantabulous. My genes are still my genes. I’m fighting them (sometimes I hit the frozen custard, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Doritos — and vodka).

Deconstructed candy bar

•Young coconut (20g)
•Dried cherries (20g)
•Dried blueberries (20g)
•Raw Almonds (8 count)

It’s SOOOOO sweet and delicious! Of course it’s very high in natural sugars, so if that’s a problem for you, treat it like you would any candy bar.

Steak. It’s what’s for breakfast and lunch

I don’t like steak, never have — which is odd for somebody who grew up on a working ranch.

(at this point, it’s a by-line)

I still eat it now and then to mix things up. I got this non-freakly-raised steak and seasoned it up, leaving it sit overnight.

1. As always, I’m guessing about measurements as I ‘granny-cook’

Lots-a-Spicy Steak Salad

• 1/4C lime juice
• freshly-cracked black pepper, lots
• orange peel, enough to minimally season
• ground cinnamon, enough that you no longer see steak or previous spices
• cumin, to taste
• no salt

I grilled this (pre-heated grill) doing the one way, then the other for cross-hatch (dunno what that’s called — I’m not gourmet here) then finished it in the oven. Personally, I prefer rare to medium rare but I made this well-done as I made them as leftovers.

I cooked it this morning, hoping for a freshest lunch but forgot it! Luckily, I couldn’t finish my breakfast (ahem, the same thing — I’m boring) and had a nibble for later.

As you can tell, I call anything drizzled, dumped or plopped on a bowl of mixed greens as ‘salad!’

pizza-y loaves of happiness (meat-crust pizza)

This is not Paleo, nor is it Paleo for autoimmune. I’ve been so sick, I don’t care. (I’d apologize for yesterday’s raging rant but like all diseases people don’t ask for, cancer, diabetes and Celiac aren’t funny–I’m not highly advanced nor even nice).
This was easy to toss together, so it won–I’m not claiming this is healthy. It’s “not.”

(compared to what else you may have eaten, I can’t say; compared to what I normally choose for meals, it’s poor)

Chicken breasts (beat / sliced into bits to fit the “loaves”), added freshly-cracked black pepper, dried rosemary and sea salt.

“Baked” in my Brownie Factory for as long as it took to look done. I’ve been cooking for the whole family since age 8, so I never learnt temps. I haven’t killed anybody yet. I’d tell you my methodology but if you screw up, I don’t want the blame.

To my surprise, they released a lot of water, so I drained it (carefully–unplug first, yo). While they were cooking, I mixed 1C mozzerella/ romano/ provelone/ parmesan shreds (normally don’t do dairy but a bit of cheese now and then — can’t recall the last time, several months not counting last months debacle with sharp cheddar-eating it plain) with 1C beaten egg, then added 1T coconut flour. It made a thick glob. The BF was a lot cooler now, so I smooshed the cheesey batter in the spaces where the chicken had “drawn up” when cooking–saving back a few pinches.

Then, I spooned on 1T scant (that means “a bit less-than”) marinara sauce. You can make some by using tomato PASTE (thick, unsweetened, unseasoned) with spices tossed in/ on. I used some old garlic powder (no salt), more dried rosemary and basil. Then, came the PROCESSED FOOD EVIL of turkey pepperoni. I’ve had it forever in my freezer. I’m sick enough right now that if it makes me ill, I won’t be able to tell the difference.

I topped the sauce with with the pepperoni and then a tiny pinch of the cheese shred batter on top. Closed the lid, plugged it back in and kept checking so it wouldn’t burn.

All in all, it tastes pretty awesome. To make Paleo, leave out the cheese and turkey pepperoni (Paleo-ish people would still use them but I’m usually stricter!).

salmon cakes (paleo, gf, etc.)

Last week, I got my Brownie Factory maker. It’s basically a waffle iron. To somebody who can’t eat wheat, barley, other grains and more!? Kinda sounds dumb. That was before the second Death Valley Summer in the Midwest. We’re not meant to have drought this long (sure, we’ve had droughts — this one beat the Dust Bowl) and we’re not meant to be 20-30F above normal for 3 months or so. Nobody is. You did hear about Greenland? Greenland falsely named as it’s more icy than Iceland? They lost 90% of their ice field cover in one day due to “our weather” parking over them for four days. Shiny!

There’s a point for this digression into the weather: it was too hot to cook anything in an oven.

Enter the Brownie Factory!

You cook on our countertop, therefore the oven does not heat up the house! The box says something like 6-8 minutes for brownies. Can’t say. I’ve only made salmon cakes and actually forgot to time them. You’re lucky if I half-way measure!

Salmon Cakes Mini Loaves

• 1 tin skinless, boneless salmon (says 5oz)
• 2 eggs, beaten
• 1/2C onion or thereabouts
• spices, mine were fresh: basil (one of my favorite flavors, could’ve done without), dill (always good with fish), sage (2 big, fat leaves) and chives (a few blades)
• shredded carrots (about 1C–it was a big handful)
• shredded, de-stalked kale (less than the carrots) — proceed to “gibble” them up as small as possible

Mix it all and then add as much almond flour (finely ground raw almonds) as looks “dry enough”. For me, that was 3 rounded soup spoons.

I grabbed the mixture by hand to shape into the hot pan — smarter folk may do this while it’s cool but I reckon the searing of putting it on hot helps it come out of the pan, which reminds me: just before stuffing loaf-indentions with batter, lightly dress with coconut oil.

At 10 minutes, I used a wooden spoon to “break away” from edges but you could see the insides weren’t done (you can test with a toothpick–if it comes out clean, it’s done). I walked away at least another 10 minutes — maybe more. I tend to “bake by smell.” When I started smelling the salmon cakes as “done,” I went in and the outer 4 were. I pulled them out, unplugged (turned off) the machine and closed it again to finish baking the remaining two. They’re lovely, grain-free, full of veg and a bit of protein, too!

 

DIY dark chocolate

Dear Lindt Family, please send me your recipe!

This may be delicious but it’s CERTAINLY not 90% cocao, which is my favorite chocolate from Lindt–what I’d LOVE to make on my own. A buddy showed me Lindt in fact makes a 99% cocao bar, too, but those are harder to come by (I get 90% at Target for 3USD and found the 99% at Amazon.com for 6USD+5USD shipping=11USD each)!

From a hippie on the internet:

These are based on the Carob Chips from Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon Morell.

Melt together over low heat:

• 3/4 cup cocoa powder
• 1/4 cup rapadura (evaporated cane juice) or equivalent amount of stevia or honey
• 1 cup virgin, unrefined coconut oil
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Pour mixture on parchment paper lining a cookie sheet. Harden in refrigerator.

I think it would be great to use cocoa butter as the fat and I wonder if you could get away with no sweetener? Anybody?
I’m deathly allergic (trip to hospital) to agave, so you’ll never see me use agave. I’d rather use sucanat, honey or stevia (but stevia tastes funny) if I must.

shrimp-topped salmon

For the seafood-lover in you…

I was craving garlic-butter anything, except I’m not meant to have garlic (lupus) or butter (known I can’t do dairy since I was a baby and Paleo).

Where was I? Garlic butter shrimp!

I decided screw it: I’ll make ONE clove of garlic in coconut oil shrimp. While so-doing, I decided to cook up the last bit of cabbage from our garden and some julienned carrots in the coconut oil/ garlic. Then, I pulled out the seasoned shrimp and replaced it with a slab of keta salmon to steam. It was excellent!

So excellent, in fact, that I forgot to photograph whilst plating. I was halfway through my bed of mixed greens and salmony-shrimpy-veg before remembering to take a piccie. Excuse the “chopped up” state in which I eat things!

• salmon fillets
• 8 shrimp per serving
• 1T coconut oil
• 1C julienned carrots
• 1.5C shredded cabbage
• sea salt or spices of choice

Add oil to pan with garlic on medium-low. Sautée and add veg to cook. When they’re turning soft, add shrimp, lid. Shrimp’s done when orange. Remove shrimp (it will overcook) and replace with prepped salmon (mine was drizzled with lemon juice and sprinkled with sea salt while waiting). After 3-4 minutes, turn over and check “doneness.” Check by flake-method (I don’t own a meat thermometer–I cook the same way I’ve done since I needed to stand in a chair at the stove!). If it flakes and doesn’t show blood inside, it’s done.

 

Mr. Whole Grain, convo with a stranger about rocks (Celiac disease, explained)

Most people think ‘gluten’ is a fancy word for wheat OR a cool way to say, ‘low carb diet.’ To them, gluten-free is a weight loss diet fad. Celebrities do it!

Gluten is an indetectable-to-the-human-eye PROTEIN. There’s nothing fancy about this. Call it a rock. There’s this rock in some food.

Celiacs cannot digest gluten–I mean rocks. 

Celiac is a genetic thing. Those in advanced stages of Inflammatory Bowel Disease, can’t digest lots of things (like me!). If rocks are continually ingested, Celiacs progress to worse things (like mum, from whom I inherited this). Not to mention getting some rocks in my food might shut down organs–which don’t come back.

They end up with bowels removed, colostomy bags, liquid food ports in their chest, etc. — all because they unknowingly ate rocks (or chose to continue eating rocks). They suffer from ‘failure to thrive.’ Mum looks like the photos of people coming out of concentration camps after WWII. She also takes a lot of medication, one steroid costs $1800 a month. Just to keep alive!

Mr. Whole Grain was queued in front of me at Chipotle.

They remembered me. This caused a bit of a stir in the queue as workers quickly changed gloves, removed ladles and switched out food bins (food can still be used by others but I require ‘untouched by rocks‘ to avoid cross-contamination; in effect: poisoning). Remember when I said rocks are indetectable to the human eye? There’s no way to tell if rocks are on or in something (plate, knife, butter in a tub or lettuce in a bowl)! Since restos are well-prepared, they have bins of ingredients, waiting. They move the rock-contaminated bin to the side (to be used next for normals) and grab a fresh one, with fresh gloves and fresh utensils. Chipotle is great because I can watch them doing this and don’t have to trust them (that means you, Bluefish Grille–poisoned me from their rock-free menu, in their rock-free kitchen–symptoms of 3 days food poisoning and 3 more weeks of the worst flu ever).

Mr. Whole Grain: What are they doing?

Me: I’m Celiac. I can’t have rocks.

Doesn’t that mean bread? Excuse me, wheat?

I don’t like talking to people about it because they think that you’re making things up. RARELY do you see the light of recognition click and when you do, it’s a relief. ‘My friend’s kid…’ or ‘My ex-girlfriend was…’ and it’s followed by ‘concern face.’ Thank you, goodly concerned people! I don’t need your concern but it’s a lot better than people calling you a charlatan or making a joke about diarrhea. I don’t ‘just’ get diarhhea. It’s like having the worst flu you’ve ever hand (I got H1N1 that first year it went around and that was similar but not as bad).

We had Rock 101 in queue.

But…But…WHAT DO YOU EAT????!

The light had clicked on! 

Everything else.

He said the smartest thing ever — smarter than I!

You should NEVER eat out!

Indeed! Let me just say my trips to Chipotle came in at about twice a year and that was the first few years of my diagnosis. Now, I take food with me and eat it while others order wonderful-looking things, wherever we are.

When I got off rocks, I gained tons of fat because my body healed (and I’m a great Ozark cook, which means I eat it all)

I’d been diagnosed with anemia and malabsorption since I was a kid. I could eat twice the amount–I put away 4,000 calories a day without blinking.

When my body healed, it started absorbing all . that . food . I ballooned. Worse, I was in a depression over the diagnosis and I ate to console myself.

Mr. Whole Grain continued his lament for my life, explaining that I’d better be very careful:

I surely wasn’t getting the nutrition I needed to be healthy (in spite of the fact I’m obviously 25% body fat, therefore “healthy”).

You need to eat whole grains to STAY ALIVE–for your heart, for cholesterol, for…

Mr. Whole Grain spewed forth everything the US government tells us is healthy’ and required for staying fit, avoiding heart disease and cancer.

I listened with interest. It’s not that I’d never heard these things. I’ve always loved reading about nutrition and fitness (if behaved poorly). These things I, too, had read/ heard/ taken to heart for decades.

It was amazing hearing them all thrown at me (with great fret-filled emotion). I had so much compassion for Mr. Whole Grain. What a sweetie! He was so worried about me: not eating BREAD and PASTA! Amazing.

At this point, we were both leaving.

You must spend a lot of time studying health. Have you ever heard of Paleo? He hadn’t. If you get a chance sometime? Google it. It’ll explain what I eat. It works for me. ::big smile, wave and goodbye::

 

Tilapia en Feuilles de Betteraves

I’ve talked about beet greens all summer. Baby beet greens are a delight raw, oddly cooking them brings out a bitter bite that you need to contend with as you cook, to your taste.

Grown-up beet greens put up a better fight. They’re fairly biting raw and become tensile enough to battle against jute.

The babies are long gone. Because I’m cheap (would rather spend sheqles on a new mbp rather than groceries), I still eat them but I’m growing bored.

Last night, I got in a bit before 20h and decided to cook some tilapia in them like grape leaves! I reckoned if they were edible, cool! If not, they at least helped steam/ hold in juices of the fish. A win/ possible-win!

It worked, mostly. The fish is GREAT. The beet greens were about 1/3 edible, mostly thanks to what I treated the fish with before I steamed them 🙂 Also, upon a brief tasting before they were done, I got scared and dumped some tamari over the lot, then worried if I’d completely messed it all up. Nope. It’s yummy!

• fillets of tilapia, 4oz each
• beet greens to wrap individually (adult beet greens, sans stems, are large but you may need to use more than one)
• 1T coconut oil, per fillet
• 1/2t lime juice
• salt
• rosemary
• 2T tamari

I steamed them with seasonings dressed upon the fish, then wrapped in leaves, then lightly salted the outsides of the leaves (to “tenderize”). When I tested the fish (when thickest part flakes, it’s done), it still had some time left. I tugged off a piece of beet leaf and it was still putting up a good fight. I dumped 2T of tamari over the whole mess.

It tastes great to me! Granted, only about 1/3 of the beet leaves were tender enough to eat, so I put the fillets and what was left of the “good” leaves onto a cup of raw spinach, then placed sautéed summer squash and carrots (leftovers) around them.

For lunch, I put an entire serving in a container, reheated and chopped up (to eat). So, you only get that photo cos I was too tired to photograph whilst cooking. Sorry!

 

Turnips, the fattening veg

Kind of a fun story. We didn’t plant turnips this year (yet, we’ll save that for an autumn planting/ harvest) but Dad spilt some turnip seeds this spring. He didn’t bother to pick them up but this one took!

We got ONE turnip:) What to do, what to do?

Since there was only one (and a lovely one at that), I decided to eat it the way I was taught (mostly, we made them a few other ways but basically everything can be either fried or boiled to death with fat for flavor in the Ozarks, at least my 2nd generational Irish-lass-arse).

I peeled, chopped and dropped into some smoked fat* that I’d lopped off some pork chops fixed for today’s (and tomorrow’s) work lunches. After I was sure trouble had occurred (covered in fat), then I topped with water (barely), lidded and let that mother roll–checking til it was soft. I had half with some tilapia and gave the other to Dad, the man who dropped the turnip seeds.

*

If you’re celiac, like I am, be sure it’s REALLY gluten-free. Many companies pass off “broth,” “in juices” “caramel color” or “natural flavors” in their ingredients list. Not only does this maker emblazon it with “gluten-free” but the ingredients are all recognizably things that don’t contain the offending protein.